Hero Headquarters
by Shakespeare's Lemonade
Summary: This is not to be taken seriously. It's just a bit of fun. Bob makes the heroes spend a month at the Petrelli mansion, while he goes to Malibu. Chaos ensues. Chapter Two: Moving In: In Which Life Becomes More Chaotic Than Anyone Could Have Anticipated.
1. Genisis: The Rules

**Hero Headquarters**

**By: Shakespeare's Lemonade & Sylar Bartowski**

**Rating: K+**

**Genre: Humor/ General**

**Summary: Bob makes the heroes spend a month in the Petrelli mansion with several rules. Chaos ensues.**

**Characters: Peter, Nathan, Claire, Matt, Molly, Mohinder, West, Nicki, Micah, Hiro, Ando, Noah, Sylar, Adam, Caitlin, Ricky, Mr. Muggles, Maury, Angela, Claude, Monica, & Bob.**

**A/N: Elucidate means explain, incredulous means disbelieving, and miffed means annoyed. Just incase you were wondering. Sylar Bartowski is my little sister who co-wrote this. She doesn't have an account yet.**

**Chapter One**

**Genesis:**

**The Rules**

Once upon a time, there was a man named Bob. He had a very large office, occupied by several irritated, super powered humans. Upon entering afore said office one fine winter morning, Bob found these humans and immediately took to explaining their new situation.

"I would ask you all to sit down," he said, "but there is not enough room, so I'll try to elucidate as rapidly as is humanly possible."

"Oh, just get on with it," Adam said. Bob glared at him. Molly whispered to Matt,

"What does 'elucidate' mean?"

"I don't know, Molly," he replied.

"Can we hurry this up," Sylar complained, "so I can go back to killing you all?"

"There will be no killing permitted here," Bob droned, "That brings us back to your living arrangements."

"Living arrangements?" Nathan repeated, inquisitively.

"Yes, everyone will be living at your house for the next month."

"What?!" several undisclosed persons said, incredulously.

"I'm not opening my home to all these weirdoes." Nathan finished, gesturing about the room.

"Hey, I am not a 'weirdo'," Mohinder said, miffed.

"Was I talking to you?"

"Your broad statement implied that everyone was a 'weirdo'."

"I would never call everyone in the room a weirdo, there's too many of you. I was talking about people like him," Nathan pointed at Sylar, "No offence intended."

"None taken," Sylar said, deviously.

"Gentlemen, if we may continue?" Bob said, in mock civility. "Thank you, now you will all be staying at the Petrelli mansion for the next month. As such is the case there are several rules by which to abide. First, no one is allowed to leave the house except the prearranged errand-runners, those are, Caitlin, Ricky, Ando, Noah, and Mohinder. Second, no one is allowed to kill or harm any other inmate… uh… houseguest or themselves. Third, everyone must complete his or her appointed tasks. I'll give you a list of those later. Fourth, no using abilities to another's disadvantage. Fifth, there will be no television, or computer use in any form. Sixth, there will be no use of the telephone unless absolutely necessary. Seventh, no one is allowed to save the world." Claire raised her hand, "Is there a question?"

"Yes," she said, "What are we supposed to do?"

"Ah, now we come to the point," Bob seemed excited about this, "You must all learn to get along or tolerate one another, if you are to save the world."

"But I don't want to save the world," Sylar protested.

"You don't have a choice in the matter. You are all going to save the world and you are going to like it."

"Fine," Sylar conceded, crossing his arms.

"Now then, for your chores."

"Chores," Micah whined, "why do we have to have chores?" Nicki poked his arm.

"Be quiet, and listen," she whispered.

"Yes, you all have chores," Bob continued, "West is responsible for breakfast every morning at six am. There will be no complaining about the schedule. Everyone fends for themselves at lunch. There will be plenty of food provided. Mohinder will be making dinner. I hope you all like Indian food." Micah made a face.

"It's ok," Molly whispered to him, "He's way better at cooking than Matt."

"The dishes," Bob went on, "will be cleaned by Claire, Nicki, and Monica, alternatively. Everyone will do their own for lunch. Angela is responsible for cleaning the house. Sylar will be taking out any and all garbage about the house. Those who can fly, heal themselves, or both will be hanging the Christmas lights. Matt will be the therapist and Maury will be his assistant. Molly and Micah will be responsible for setting the table and helping their parents. And finally, Hiro and Adam will be the defenders of the house. That includes keeping people out and keeping people in. You may need Peter's help with Claude. Oh, and Claude is responsible for cutting fire wood."

"What do we need fire wood for?" Claude asked, appearing in front of Bob.

"The Petrelli mansion has fire place's, obviously. Also it may keep you busy." Bob glanced around the room. "If you succeed in getting along, I'll bring you all Christmas presents from Malibu."

"Malibu?!" All of the heroes shouted.

"And you're not taking any of us with you?" Adam asked, feigning disappointment.

"That's ok," Sylar said, "I don't like Malibu. I'd rather stay here and kill you all."

"No killing," Bob said, "It's the second rule, and if you do I'll turn you into gold." He looked at a piece of paper on the desk. "Now for the sleeping arrangements," He handed them all a chart and braced himself for the comments to follow. Adam was most annoyed that he had to share a room with Hiro and Ando. Mohinder and Sylar were equally perturbed. Even more so when Claude materialized between them and said,

"Looks like we'll be rooming together mates. Won't this be fun?" Sylar tried to remove Claude's scalp to no avail. Matt resigned himself to sharing a room with his father, but Noah was not ecstatic about living with two mind readers. Claire, Monica, and Molly were planning a party in their room, but that idea was immediately squashed by Matt and Noah. Nathan had no problem with three girls having a party in their room. He reasoned that it was his house and he was the nice dad. Noah promptly whacked him on the head after that comment. West and Micah started planning to set traps outside of their room to keep the girls and any other unpleasant out. Peter and Ricky were satisfied with their arrangements. However, they were unsure about sharing a room with Nathan, which added to the hilarity of the circumstances. Angela was probably the most pleased with her arrangements, since she had her own room, and Caitlin and Nicki seemed friendly enough to tolerate one another for a month. Bob had one last comment.

"Your stay will begin tomorrow, Thanksgiving day. It will last until New Years day. If anyone disobeys the rules, they will be turned into gold promptly and permanently. Any questions?"

"Yes, one," Noah said, "What about Mr. Muggles? If he gets turned into gold my wife will kill me."

"The dog may be an exception. He will be walked by the errand runners. Will that be all? Good, see you next year!" With that, Bob exited the room, leaving the heroes to contemplate their predicament.

**I hope you liked it and will review. Next chapter: "Moving In: In Which Life Becomes More Chaotic Than Anyone Could Have Anticipated."**


	2. Moving In: In Which Life Becomes More

**Chapter Two**

**Moving In:**

**In Which Life Becomes More Chaotic than Anyone could have Anticipated **

**A/N: Thank you all for the reviews, especialy Vintage Writer, thanks for putting us on your C2. The story is rated for some "crude" humor. I hope we don't offend anyone:) Sylar says "Thanks," too. Oh, and we don't own this, we just like to play with it. **

Upon arriving at the Petrelli mansion, Angela gave them all several more rules about tracking dirt into the house. After that speech, Adam asked her,

"Why do you care? You can just clean it with a snap of your fingers." Nathan turned and faced his mother.

"What--" he began.

"Oh don't listen to him," Angela said, "Adam is just trying to make trouble."

"So that's why the house was never dirty," Peter said, joining the conversation.

"I thought you didn't remember anything," Angela accused.

"It's coming back to me now."

"Oh, fiddle sticks!" Angela lifted her chin and marched up the stairs without another word. Adam fought laughter while Nathan and Claire went to the kitchen to find some popsicles. Peter followed close behind them, while Noah was in hot pursuit. If there was to be any good fathering going on, he wanted to be in on it. In the kitchen, Nathan stuck his head into the freezer.

"Mom!" he called, "Where are the popsicles?!"

"I threw them away," Angela called from upstairs, "You asked me to buy them three months ago and you never ate them."

"Oh," Nathan recalled, sheepishly, "that's right. Noah, go buy us some popsicles."

"Why?"

"Because you're the errand runner and Claire wants popsicles."

"Fine," Noah stomped out the front door, pushing Hiro aside as he went. Hiro gave the remaining Popsicle Hunters an inquisitive look. They all shrugged their shoulders and started looking in the cupboards for cookies. Hiro joined them until he got a sharp yell from Adam that the house was not adequately defended. In the living room, West, Micah, Molly, and Monica had built a fort out of the various expensive furniture therein. This earned them some scolding and a demonstration of power from Angela. Out on the lawn, Hiro brought Adam a cookie. The samurai inspected the offered pleasantry.

"Is it poisoned?" He asked. Hiro gave him a questioning look.

"I couldn't poison you anyway." He said. Adam conceded that point and satisfied himself that Hiro was not conspiring to kill him, while enjoying his cookie. Upstairs Caitlin was enlisting Nicki to help her squirt toothpaste under Nathan's pillow, and Matt and Maury were thinking of funny dreams to give Noah. Down the hall, Mohinder and Sylar were arguing about who had to sleep next to Claude, who had disappeared as soon as they entered the house, but sneaked up on people every so often. They had completely forgotten that they hated each other and were much more concerned with the invisible man. Periodically, Claude would appear and ask,

"Why do you talk about me as if I wasn't here?" At one such time, he remained invisible so Mohinder said,

"For all intensive purposes you are not here, now go away." Sylar gave him a curious look. It was all so confusing that the three of them spent the rest of the day trying to sort out the physics of it all.

H H H H H H H H

When Noah returned with the popsicles, he found Adam and Hiro on the front lawn throwing cookies in the air and catching them in their mouths. Inside he found more cookie eating and Angela following the children around, cleaning up after them. He deposited the popsicles on the table and asked,

"Claire, what are you drinking?"

"Liquid Plumber," Claire said between sips.

"Why?!"

"Ok, are you ready for this? Because I can. Hey, Peter, we should see if Adam would like this."

"Good idea," Peter said, and they ran out the door. Noah looked rather baffled.

"Don't ask me," Nathan said. They then went into a heated discussion about intestines growing back and upset stomachs. Outside Claire ran up to Adam.

"You've got to try this," she said handing him a glass.

"What is it," he asked while bringing it to his lips.

"Liquid Plumber," Peter said with a grin. Adam promptly choked on the substance.

"Why did you do that?" he asked between gags.

"It's good," Claire said. Adam looked from her to Peter.

"Is she insane?" He asked.

"No," Peter replied, "We can't die so we decided to take advantage of it."

"Oh," Adam nodded and drank the whole glass.

"What is it?" Hiro asked, coming up behind them.

"You wouldn't like it," Adam said, "It unclogs drains."

"Why are you drinking it?! You could kill yourself! What am I saying?!" He walked away from them, more confused than when he came.

H H H H H H H H

When everyone gathered around the table for dinner, they heard shouting in the kitchen. Sylar had insisted on being Mohinder's assistant because he wouldn't eat Mohinder's cooking unless he watched him prepare it. (There was that whole drugged tea thing.) While they were waiting, Peter, Claire, and Adam sampled some more household chemicals.

"Will you three stop drinking all of my cleaning supplies?!" Angela said, exasperated.

"Didn't we already go through this?" Adam replied, threateningly. Angela crossed her arms and pouted. Peter and Claire giggled into their napkins.

"Sit up straight, Peter," Angela said.

"Oh, chill out, mom," Nathan said, surprising everyone. Caitlin sensed that now was her time.

"Eeeeew!" she cried. "Nathan farted!"

"I did not!" Nathan insisted.

"Oh, gross, I can smell it!" Nicki exclaimed.

"Mom," Micah said, "I don't smell anything."

"Be quiet and play along," Nicki said through her teeth.

"Where did you get such an idea?" Nathan asked.

"Nathan, I'm sure it was an accident," Peter said, "Caitlin wouldn't make up something like this, would you?"

"Of course not," Caitlin smiled at Peter, which made everything all better in his mind. Nathan was not so satisfied, but just then dinner arrived.

"Everything is safe to eat!" Sylar proclaimed on entering the dining room. Mohinder glared at him, but sat down and passed the food.

"Don't you think it is rather dangerous to be consuming toxic chemicals? I mean for the rest of us. Someone else might accidentally drink them." Mohinder directed his question at the three indestructibles.

"No more dangerous than drinking your tea," Sylar said.

"That was not the question."  
"No, I suppose you're right," Claire said, "but isn't drinking coke just as dangerous. I mean they use it to clean blood off of asphalt."

"It's not as imminently deadly," Mohinder said. Claire nodded and put down her glass.

"Ok, guys, no more Windex." Peter and Adam groaned in protest, but set down their cups too. Many of the heroes eyed their food suspiciously.

"Oh, just eat it," Molly said, "It's good." Everyone simultaneously brought their forks to their mouths and gingerly sampled the fare. Everyone was silent. Mohinder didn't really care what they thought of his food and ate contentedly.

"So, what's in this stuff?" Micah asked.

"How many times do I have to tell you not to refer to food as 'stuff'?" Nicki said.

"You don't want to know," Sylar answered, with a disturbed look in his eyes.

"You're eating it too," Mohinder accused.

"Granted," Sylar remained menacing.

**Please review and we will update.**


	3. Is it Love or Tolerance?

**Chapter Three**

**Is it Love or Tolerance?**

**In Which Nathan is Made Most Upset**

**Sorry this took so long! New chapters soon!**

The evening following the first dinner was a most eventful one in the lives of our heroes. After the table was cleared, the young heroes headed upstairs to plot against their parents or other relative relations. When they reached the top of the stairs Molly said,

"See, I told you he was a good cook." Micah made a face at her.

"Yeah," Claire said, "but does he always use so many dishes?"

"Yes, he always thinks big when it comes to dinner. Matt and I used to eat leftovers for weeks."

"That's all well and good," West said, "but I have to get up at six o'clock and make breakfast."

"And I have to clean up after you," Monica said. Molly and Micah started laughing at the others troubles.

"You two have it so easy," Claire said.

"That's because we're children," Micah explained. West gave him a nooggie after that. At the door to the girls' room, Claire turned around to find that Ando was following them.

"Are you spying on us?" She asked.

"No," Ando looked hurt, "Hiro is outside guarding the house, and I don't know anyone here. I thought maybe I could join you." Claire looked thoughtful.

"Ok, let's take a vote; all in favor of accepting Ando raise your hand." Everyone raised their hands. "Ok, you're in," Claire opened the door and the small band of young people entered the room, not to be seen again for several hours.

Outside Hiro and Adam had challenged on another to a duel in order that they might keep warm in the frigid November weather. In the living room Nathan, Noah, and Angela sat, being boring adults. Sylar and Mohinder were in their room arguing again, with an occasional interruption from Claude. Matt was in the kitchen eating a bowl of ice cream and generally being a normal person. Outside of the living room, three dark figures lurked.

"Muahahaha!" one of them said. All of the sudden they ran into the room, shouting simultaneously. Nathan waited calmly until he heard,

"Adam killed Hiro!" He rushed out side to see the two samurais having a friendly duel. No one was dead. He turned to go back inside to find that the door was locked. He sighed and knocked in a controlled manner. No one answered. On the other side of the door, Peter, Caitlin, and Niki were having a laughing fit. I'm sure you can imagine the ensuing hysterics on both sides of the door. Then Nathan had an idea. He flew up to the second story of the house and knocked on Claire's window. Soon he saw Ando peering through the curtains. He opened the window a crack and said,

"What do you want?"

"Someone locked me out of the house," Nathan replied.

"One moment please." Ando disappeared and Nathan rolled his eyes. "Your dad is at the window." Ando said to Claire. She gave him a questioning look and went over to the window. She opened it all of the way and said,

"What's going on?"

"Your uncle and his friends locked me out." Nathan said.

"He was your brother first."

"Just let me in!"

"Oh, very well, but you mustn't be so demanding." Nathan gave her a look that said, "I may soon tire of being the nice dad." He then climbed through the window, gave everyone a nod, and exited into the hallway. When he reached the bottom of the stairs, he observed that the conspirators were on the floor by the door, still hysterical.

"It's very cold out there you know," he said. Suddenly there was silence. Nathan smiled. "This will not happen again," he said, raising his eyebrows as if it was a question. He then returned to his place on the couch next to Angela and calmly began reading whatever boring thing he had been before. Satisfied that they had annoyed the crap out of Nathan, the conspirators went into the kitchen to join Matt and his ice cream. Matt was not so sure about this arrangement, until Peter assured him that there was plenty more ice cream.

H H H H H H H H

Finally, Mohinder and Sylar had found a way to rearrange the furniture so that neither of them had to sleep next to Claude.

"Should we lock the door?" Sylar asked.

"To keep him out or in?" Mohinder said

"To keep him out," Sylar smiled.

"I think that would defeat the purpose of keeping him in the house."

"We can lock him in the basement," Sylar suggested. Mohinder considered that.

"We could, but we would have to find him first."

"You're still talking about me!" Claude said.

"Get him!" Sylar jumped in Claude's general direction and landed on the floor.

"I'll go get Peter," Mohinder left the room; unaware he was being followed.

H H H H H H H H

Everyone downstairs rushed to the sound of a blood-curdling scream. They all reached the source and found it to be quite invisible. Caitlin almost fainted when Peter, who had been standing next to her, disappeared.

"Claude," Peter said, rather exasperatedly, "let Mohinder go."

"Not until they both apologize," Claude said. Sylar appeared at the top of the stairs.

"Did you find him?" He asked. The young people came out of their den.

"What's going on?" Claire asked.

"The invisible man is out for revenge on his roommates," Nathan said.

"Hey, that would make a good movie!" Caitlin exclaimed. Nathan glared at her for the thousandth time. Peter audibly rolled his eyes. He decided to take the easy way out.

_Claude, let Mohinder go, now, and everyone else go back to whatever you were doing._ Everyone but Matt immediately obeyed.

"I could get used to this," Peter said as he headed back to the ice cream.

"I wouldn't advise that," Matt said, "It ticks people off like you wouldn't believe."

H H H H H H H H

Upstairs the children were trying to figure out how to toilet paper the neighbor's house without disobeying the rules.

"There's only one way," Claire said and stared meaningfully at Ando. He got her meaning and shook his head.

"Heroes don't terrorize their neighbors!" He protested.

"They're not our neighbors, they're the 'nice dad's' neighbors, and you're the only one of us who can leave the yard." Ando remained resistant.

"Oh, I'll do it," West said, "I can always say I never stepped foot out of the yard." Claire nodded.

"Alright, this meeting is adjourned. Now remember, no one is allowed to speak of any of this to anyone else."

"But what if they can read your mind?" Molly asked. Claire sighed.

"Don't even think about it." Everyone agreed and dispersed to their own rooms.


End file.
